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 Essai de fanfic

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AuteurMessage
Aster
Cygnum
Cygnum


Nombre de messages : 204
Age : 21
Plumes : 827
Date d'inscription : 18/01/2011

MessageSujet: Essai de fanfic   Lun 9 Juil - 23:08

Hellow les filles! Le français est ma langue de base, j'écris toujours en l'utilisant ce qui fait que j'ai pu pas mal m'améliorer et peaufiner mes tournures de phrases et tout et tout. Seulement aujourd'hui, ma meilleure amie m'a demandé de lui filer un coup de main sur une de ses fics en anglais car elle était malade comme un chien (attention au soleil, ça tape...). Brefouille, j'ai pas mal hésité, parce que, bien que je sois assez bonne en anglais, je n'ai pas non plus l'habitude d'écrire en Shakespearien. Finalement, j'ai décidé de me lancer et j'aimerai donc votre avis. N'hésitez surtout pas à critiquer la moindre faute et à me filer des conseils Wink

Comme il ne s'agit pas d'un début, je vous résume un peu le truc. L'histoire se déroule en Corée du sud, même si on ne le sent pas vraiment. C'est une fanfic essentiellement basée sur le groupe SHINee (pour celles qui connaissent) avec quelques interventions de groupes extérieurs (en sachant que le dénommé Kai fait partie du groupe Exo-K). L'héroine, Ji Eun, vient tout juste de commencer un travail comme serveuse dans un resto où les membres du groupe cité ci-dessus bossent aussi. A la suite d'un pari avec une des serveuses, elle a réussi à se faire inviter par Kai, un client de ce restaurant. Voici donc ce qui se passe. Je précise que je ne suis pas terrible niveau conjugaison donc soyez indulgents x)

Attention, le passage est un tantinet hawt à un moment x)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Putting his hand in my back, Kai* led me to his car. And what a car! A huge silver and shiny thing. It probably cost more than what I earn in a year. While he opened the door, I felt a glare in my back. I turned my head and saw Minho, staring at me from the window of the restaurant. He frowned, shook his head and disappeared suddenly. Kai was looking at me like “What the hell is she waiting for?”. So, I jumped in the car and he closed the door before heading to the driver’s side. On our way to an unknown destination, I receiver a text from Yenna: “How are you doing? Don’t forget to chew a mint gum every half hour!”. I laughed, receiving in return an interrogative look from Kai and shyly turned my head to the window. After a long and silent ride, the handsome driver stopped in front of a huge hotel. My eyes widened when I saw all theses lights and luxury and it kinda gave me goose bump. A middle-aged man took the keys from Kai and another one opened the door for me.
“I’m not dressed for that” I said.
“It’s ok, we’re just going to the bar, no need to worry” Kai quietly replied.
I took a deep breath and followed him into the large hall. Here and there, many displays were artistically put, in order to please customer’s eyes. It was brilliant, breath-taking and big, in one word: Magic! I’m sure that, even if I live hundreds of years, I will never see this again. My eyes studied my outfit. I totally look like a bumpkin with that large T-Shirt and this pair of shorts. At least, I’ve put my most recent boots. I was lost thinking when Kai, dressed like a k-pop idol, stopped in front of a young guy. He respectfully bowed his head.
“Hello, Mister Kai, long time no seen” was the waiter greeting.
“Yeah, I took a break” Kai simply admitted.
The waiter bowed again and continued his way. We sat at the bar and my partner ordered two cocktails. The atmosphere was quiet and trendy. At the beginning, I was too shy to even have any eye contact with him. But he started joking, the piano started playing and I started breathing peacefully. The hours passed without my knowing. He was so cheerful, so funny and so damn hot! Every time he shakes his hair or laugh happily I feel like my heart skips a beat. Butterflies were flying around into my stomach. It was like heaven. After an unknown number of drinks, Kai said that it was time to go. I felt a little dizzy when he gave me his hand, his warm and comfortable hand. Oh my god, I was like dying. We got into the car that a valet brought and the k-pop prince started driving. I leant my head back and closed my eyes, after telling Kai to drop me off in front of the restaurant. I was managing to take the bus to go back home. I may be on a date with a wonderful guy, but it’s not a reason to tell him my address! I’m not like some dramas’ chicks! I was a little bit drowsy when I felt like the engine of the car shut down. I slowly opened my eyes and crossed Kai’s ones. They were like shining in the dark. His breathing was fast, too fast. He just looked like a tiger, waiting to jump on his prey. The goose bump was back but not for the same reason as before. My heart beat so hardly that I could hear it into my ears. I tried to convince myself that my fear was ridiculous. We spend a really nice time. We joked, laughed, drank. Kai is a kind a guy. There was no reason to worry. But still, I couldn’t avoid the feeling that something was wrong.
Suddenly, before I even realize what happened, he jumped on me and took my seat belt off. His lips, that were so kissable one minute before, touched my neck as I turned my head to avoid them. His hands were on my clothes, touching, stroking. I tried to push him away, but he was too strong. My fingers tried to reach the handle of the door, but were stopped by his. I took a deep breath, managing to yell like a fool but he put his arm on my mouth and smirked.
“C’mon, baby, don’t be hard to get” Kai whispered ironically.
“I don’t want this! Let me go! Or else, I’ll bite you!” I pathetically tried to warn.
But he’s arm on my mouth makes it sounds like “Dwandish, lemgo, lbiteou”. Ridiculous. He just laughed and I felt like my ears were aching. Tears came to my eyes and I thought to myself “I’ve never done ‘this’ and I’m going to lost my virginity to a crazy conceited pervert!” Kai was staring at me with his evil, hated smile.
“You’re too goody-goody! I’m gonna change this! If it’s about money, we can find an arrangement” he said arrogantly.
And then, he laughed again. And again. The tears that I was trying to keep flowed on my cheeks like rivers of sadness. He approached his head from mine and I closed my eyes, prying for my sake while feeling his fingers on my breast. All of a sudden, the car’s door was open and I felt a fresh wind all over my hot body. The burden that was crushing me lightened and disappeared. I opened my eyes when Kai screamed like a freak. I rubbed my eyes and said to myself: “It’s impossible! I must be dreaming!”. And then, I saw ‘him’. Minho**! He pushed Kai on the ground and sat on him. With a scary look on his face, he started to beat him until my aggressor’s nose starts bleeding. He finally fainted but Minho continued his punishment. So, ignoring my shaky hands and my teary eyes, I came out of the car and, grabbing my savior’s shoulders, I took him away. He firstly tried to resist but I kept on pulling and he finally got up. His black eyes were fixed on Kai’s unanimated body and he was short of breath. I shivered and put gently my hand on his muscular arm, opening my mouth to thank him again. It was the second time since I know him that he defended me. But the look he gave me totally shut me up.
“Are you crazy?! Hanging around with a stranger in the middle of the night without anyone knowing?! Do you really wanna die?” Minho furiously yelled.
“Wh…”I tried to say.
He didn’t give me the time to explain myself and just headed to his motorbike. I looked at Kai. He seemed so handsome yesterday, so friendly earlier. Why do people always hide their true face?
“Are you coming or do you wanna stay with your lover the whole night?” Minho asked with a helmet covering his face.
I breathed deeply, shook my shoulders and straightened my back. Then, I joined my savor.
“Why did you do that?” I said.
“Oh, you know, we’re a team now and I always help my team-mate.” He replied, avoiding my eyes.
He gave me the second helmet and jumped on his motorbike, waiting for me. I don’t know why, but the team-mate explanation sounds a little bit suspicious to me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Membre du groupe sud-Coréen, Exo-K:
Spoiler:
 

**Membre du groupe sud-Coréen SHINee:
Spoiler:
 
Ces renseignement ne sont là qu'à titre d'information pour que vous ne soyez pas trop perdues.

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Colubris
Colubris


Nombre de messages : 160
Age : 17
Plumes : 595
Date d'inscription : 02/10/2010

MessageSujet: Re: Essai de fanfic   Sam 4 Aoû - 20:38

Toujours le même talent, la même subtilité, et cet arsenal de vocabulaire. J'adore décidément tout ce que tu écris!
Personnellement, quand je rédige quelque chose, quelle que soit la langue, je dois avoir plusieurs onglets de linternaute et de reverso d'ouvert pour trouver des synonymes. Bref, j'ai une mémoire pathétique.

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